Starter kit 1. Opening Doors.

For anyone dating you need a good starter kit. You need a few simple rules that will help you decide to stay or go. Gut instinct is good but sometimes nerves, alcohol, a long dry stretch, sheer desperation and loneliness get in the way. Granted these also put on the blinders for the flashing neon signs saying NO pointing at the person you're on a date with. Just try to keep a level head and your tool kit. This includes mad money (cash to pay your share if you're not so mad to make the date pay, and enough to pay cab fare if you were picked up) and knowledge of a few basic red flags.

1) Not every girl needs to have the door held for them but if your date doesn't do it or is offended that you do keep a watchful eye.

There is an unfortunate fine line between the wonders of being polite and the mine field that is gender politics.

I'm a fan of feminism. I'm not a fan of nazi-feminists who feel that my love and choice of aprons, bread baking and putting meals on the table are anti-feminist. The class of women who get pissed because someone who opens the door for them are looking for a certain kind of guy and the testing ground isn't one I can help with, or relate with here. I don't mean for that to sound judgmental. I just haven't found that lifestyle as liberating as others have.

There are a class of door opening men who are slightly more evolved than cave men. They do it because they are required in the gender politics that require you to obey them. There are women who enjoy that lifestyle. God be with them.

If you're a woman and your date isn't opening the door for you chances are he isn't just absent minded. Granted he might be trying to solve some complicated math or world food shortage problem, is one of those distracted genius types. If he is, you might have to cut him some slack. Geniuses are a different breed. My father was one. He didn't like movies or dancing but always got my Mom roses on valentines he picked out himself and would almost always run to the door when he was working from home to help her with the groceries. He would also barely lift his head while he worked at his desk if you asked him a question. BUT they are rare. BEWARE of the RED FLAG it might be hidden.

If you're a man who likes to open doors and are on a date with a woman who is easily offended there might be more issues. Unless she is an otherwise delightful conversationalist who keeps you laughing--and I mean not at the expense of others--she might be cranky. Notice I didn't use the B word.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: I can't come up with any specific stories of guys who didn't hold the door open. Most didn't. It seemed to be something that happened with two Southern men who'd been raised by real ladies. And by ladies I mean classy women who exude charm. One of them is a little 'out there' in his personal life--life sci-fi fictional character 'out there' but still very charming. The other is my fiance. The former always got the door for me while we were dating. We went out once after and I was shocked to discover that he had a remote lock on his car door when he clicked the car lock open instead of opening the door for me. That was the first time I realized just how polite he'd been. It had been seemless. Other men had held doors for me but this charm wore off after the initial blush of the first couple of weeks.

Years later I met the parents of second of 4 fiances (never married but will now!). At dinner they held hands. His father, when not eating, would put his arm around his mother. After all these years married together they continued to court. I look for this (this will be another topic later). And the door thing. My fiance, I noticed, not only always gets the door for me, but also my mother, my sisters, people at the gas station. Even when he's tired after a long trip he'll still smile and hold the door. THAT my dear readers is character. THAT is the opposite of a red flag. Door opening is important.

The door thing, and it's "associates" is something to look out for. Do they hold the door open only for you and only in the initial stages of dating? Or are they always polite? If your date is a girl is she polite only in the initial stages or always?

Next: Starter Kit 2: wait staff.

Introduction: A Field of Red Flags

Hi. This blog is about red flags. Relationship red flags. What they are, how to spot them, why you should use them, even a couple of caveats.

I'm not a relationship expert. Honestly I don't think anyone is. Unless they are a therapist but even they have relationship issues. I've had more bad ones than good ones and the only reason I feel I know something is hindsight.

At a dinner with family the conversation about red flags came up and the conversation with my sisters, mother, brother-in-law, and fiance was lively. My suggestions were apparently so 'entertaining' that older sister told me I should write a blog. My fiance looked over at me and asked, 'do we have any red flags?' I looked at him and smiled. We're both in our 40's and have both had crazy-and I think I can safely say that we mean that literally-people in our lives. I returned the smile and said, 'I think we're both flagged out.' This is the only relationship where there hasn't been a red flag.

This blog has been about the lush field of flags from my past, and perhaps those of my friends. Use my hindsight to my advantage. Please. It's worth it.